The wedding one

I miss Skins already, don’t you? When it ended I felt my life deflate a little bit.

For now though we can still live in bliss as I discuss what exactly just happened on my poor laptop screen. I feel like I should apologise for clearly missing crucial pieces of information from last weeks mental breakdown, I for one was very shocked to learn that Rich had proposed, because on the Channel Four I was watching this never occured, which is quite terrible since the entire finale revolved around this. At least I have an excuse to watch it again now.

As much as this episode massaged my brain into a sweet sweet coma it pissed me off in equal measure. Liv suddenly didn’t give a shit about her relationship based on booze with Matty and decided that Franky could come along for the ride when clearly, as she later realised in a moment of enlightenment, he wanted to shag her in the woods–hasn’t happened enough this series. Also we shouldn’t be starting to like Mini now because she is slowly turning into a ‘caring lesbian’ she is probably still a bitch deep down inside and she should be crying herself to sleep. The writers really need to bang some more stereotypes in, their target audience will be getting confused. One last thing which thouroughly annoyed me was Nick’s existence. He is now un-neccessary to the plot and should be disposed of like the beer cans he is never without. Rugby was never that good mate, go home and cry to daddy.

Otherwise it was rather enjoyable and an interesting finale of action packed proportions. So the couple whose wedding it was suppossed to be weren’t really the centre of attention, too much stuff was happening on the way to the wedding, in the woods. Okay so the only bit that gripped me was the bit in the woods. Skins is always better when it’s in the woods, as we have witnessed over the course of five series it’s a tried and tested method for carnage and success. This time round we got some latent homosexual feelings arising, which they didn’t explore enough and I look forward to it coming up in the next series, we got poor Franky telling us just why she is adopted, also an excellent tale, and we got her then tumbling of the edge of a little cliff after NOT having sex in the woods. You can’t please everyone I suppose.

After all that was over and business had been taken care of, nobodies head would be fucked with any longer, they set-up the next series brilliantly with a reintroduction of the aformentioned head fuckery and some lovely back and forth shots of texting. Those clever souls over at E4 have realised the future is upon us and are taking full advantage of it. Next series should be filmed entirely via facebook with the occasional Skype conversation for a bit of excitement. The first social media show, I can see the critics swarming already.

Usually I would now talk about the music, but lets face it, it was good and average that’s about it. Though I have just discovered Segal who is rather excellent so I will say a begrudging thanks to Kyle and be done with it. Thanks (dick).

That’s it folks, my banter has drawn to a close and I’ll have to find something else to weekly disturb and excite myself with, but I did just read the news that Skins has a film coming out this summer which will focus on the second generation, but feature the first and third accordingly. I’m absolutely terrified of that.

 

 

It’s high art obviously

This week Skins decides that the popular literary figure Shakespeare, you might have heard of him, is cool. Grace decides that sustaining a voice doesn’t matter, and everyone gets out their ‘coke eyes’. Sounds good I know.

I appear to have missed all important plot points this week, if indeed any occurred, and only saw Frankie kiss everyone on command while saying that she isn’t bi-sexual she “just likes people”, great writing coming to you from E4 since 2005.

Despite all this it was however Grace’s episode, though it did appear to be more like a Mr.Blood (Chris Addison) greatest hits compilation as he pranced about the scenery spouting nonsensical shit in a pan-British accent. The accents played a large part of this weeks shows mainly because, never having been to Bristol, none of them sounded remotely Bristolian in nature. Of course I recognise that they are professionaly trained thespians from the ‘big-city’, but I mean come on, if you can’t make it Skins then you have no chance, which is why nobody knows what any of the previous cast members are doing. Nicholas Hoult being the exception, but then he worked with Hugh Grant so nothing else really matters does it.

GOD I ALMOST FORGOT THE PEA SONG.

For those unawares the pea song is a cultural movement unbeknown to anyone in the modern world that isn’t a complete and utter shit-tard of a human being. If this doesn’t signal a last attempt at greatness before ‘the fall’ then I don’t know what does. Empires have been ruined by less. Just ask Julias.

I’m still recovering from that memory for a while so let’s discuss the aforementioned ‘coke eyes’. Picture the scene: four quiet girls in a bedroom full of floaty stuff with nothing to do, they get out their limitless supply of cocaine, kiss daddy goodbye, and run off to the club that doesn’t ask for any form of identification from said underage children. It’s a great world I know. Once at this club where all their friends also happen to be, it’s obviously not a school night, they decide to ‘get off with’ some fat bloke and his mate, Matty takes unkindly to the unwanted attention Franky is recieving and asks him politely to leave by scaring the living shit out of millions of people with what is the complete opposite of Bette Davis Eyes. That boy can act. Maybe. No, no he can’t. We can all begin to walk the long road to recovery know because he clearly had an overdose of something. Sorry about that long-winded rant, but someone had to say it and I am speaker of the truth. Anyway I’m sure next week all this trouble will end, or be exacerbated-who knows, when him and Franky just have sex already, Liv won’t mind she’ll just have another five bottles of Vodka.

Since I don’t know what I’m saying anymore I’ll just stop saying things, other than that the music this week was unusually good and I would like to say well done Kyle. We had a bit of Jessie J, The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart, James Blake, The National, and Magnetic Man amongst others. God it’s a great time to be alive.

Skins goes rural

I know I missed my weekly post for Nick’s episode, but all I have to say on that is: I’m glad that the writers have recognised the blatant homosexual nature of rugby and proceeded to create a character and indeed an hour long show around that. We all feel better about ourselves now don’t we?

This week however it’s the turn of much more interesting character and ‘farm boy’ Alo. Apparently Bristol has whopping big farms in the middle of it now, it’s news to me, but I never was very good with geography. After a slightly bizarre series of wanking events, set to the only song ever to feature the sound of someone choking on cum, the story gets started.

I found myself wondering just how ‘special’ Alo was during in this episode and praying to god that he didn’t get together with Mini who is still in mourning over Nick, the bastard, who is still in mourning over Liv. It does seem like the last two episodes of this series could just dissolve into a primal rave/orgy while Franky takes the role of voyeur/pervert androgynous bi-sexual? teen. We’ll have to wait and see on that front I suppose.

Alo is an intriguing character though and he has what one could describe as a ‘banging’ dress sense, though he did appear to be naked for most of the 45 minutes of screen time. The music I found quite a strange mix for his character, the opening song by Furr was excellent and really quite captivating, but then it descended into a mass of dub-step and electronica which I found unbecoming for such an ‘alternative’ guy, clearly the young hip douche-bag who decides on the music, I believe his name is Kyle, knows something I don’t.

Skins is slowly getting into a pattern of letting us see the family more and while it may not be what the audience is used to it’s much better drama. The conflict between Alo and his parents was great TV and I almost cried a few times. I know, I do apologise, I’m young and don’t know any better.

Next week: Grace’y’ goes a bit thespian on us probably going crazy in the process, but hey at least Skins is delivering high-culture to the masses now-a-days.

Now that’s what I call a Skins episode

Volume 5.

Sex, booze, drugs, teenage trauma, what more can a girl ask for from a Thursday night show?

Liv’s episode is by far the best yet, with some class-a music to match the drugs, and a strange appearance from the man we all know and hate from the Orange adverts of yesteryear.

Fashion wise I think it may have been a bit of a disaster, I’m not sure what ‘look’ Liv is trying to accomplish but it’s all a bit top-shop circa 2007 and frankly it falls short of the cultural definition we have come to expect from this ever so popular TV programme. Yes its not real. I know, I’m upset too.

This episode though was good for real reasons too, these being that we got to see how Liv’s life is affected by her family; rather than the writers just acknowledging that other people do exist in Bristol we actually get to see them interact and shape what others do. Liv’s sister in this respect was a lovely element to the show and she is a sci-fi geek too. Yay.

Alas! Hot mystery man is revealed to be, WARNING PLOT POINT COMING UP, Nicks brother Matty, in what is an interesting turn of events. Apparently he’s a mental too so buckle your seatbelts for that one folks and I’d get ready for some smouldering glances between him and Franky before they actually get it on, in the words of Marvin Gaye. That’s what this season needs, a bit more intercourse between the group. Remember when Effy and Co went camping well these guys need that episode and then they can learn to hate each other and get over it the way true friends should; having angry sex while wasted in a place where everyone else can hear. Skins teaching valuable lessons to kids since 2006.

I realise this is all a bit slap-dash, but to be fair I’m writing about Skins and apparently your reading it so its not like you care about intellect too much is it? If you ever wondered what it was like to see somebody down about 4 bottles of Vodka in 45 minutes then all your dreams have come true tonight as Liv proceeds to show us how to ruin your vital organs in style. Also Sherry? Are these people in 6th form or a bingo hall, not even my gran drinks Sherry.

Other things we learnt this episode: Mini is STILL a bitch. I reckon that’s not changing any time soon.

 

Skins of Lycra

This week in Skins world Kelly Brook visits and does absolutely fuck all. Which is a great point of reference for the entire episode really.

I think it’s safe to say the world was foaming at the mouth when the words ‘Kelly Brook is back on TV’ reached the nations ears and then all she did was stand around in her shiny Lycra pants and they didn’t even keep cutting back to her buttocks for the remainder of the show. Everything about the episode was a massive disappointment.

We got see a little bit more of Mini the big bad wolf of the series. Turns out she’s just a bitchy teenager who has never even had sex. Queue the OMGZ and self-loathing and puking on boy-friend in moment of abject terror scenes. Despite all this she still managed to be a bitch.

I had watched the American Skins just before and shockingly that made this seem like a Gus Van Sant drama. I can’t discourage you enough about NEVER watching that, ignoring the fact that it’s shot for shot the same as the British pilot it’s not a remake it’s a bloody massacre.

Mini yeah. Her episode managed to ruin the series thus far by making everybody involved seem like utter annoying dicks. Even Franky, who had the chance to get her own back, which any decent human would have, just asked for a light and a dance. The least she could do is turn her into a raging gay.

I think the main thing about this episode was that it lacked any substance, maybe as a reflection of the character, but still us children need entertaining or we’ll change over and watch some hard hitting politics with Paxman. Mini was just dull, other characters have a sense of inner turmoil that they project outwardly in some way, i.e. metal, Mini just ate seeds and used too much fake tan.

Even the music for this episode was quintessentially average mixing the terrible world of pop, Cheryl Cole and Lady Gaga, with cutting edge Skream and Crystal Fighters, and then throwing in some classics like Roots Manuva and Eddie Cochran for good fucking measure, because you know why not?

Oh there was also the most awkward sex scene in the world broadcast between Mini and her ‘boyfriend’ whose name escapes me, but do watch that because afterwards everything is in black and white for a bit. Rich lost his hearing and Mini apparently goes colour blind after shit sex.

Next week it’s the story of the other bint whose name also escapes me, but that looks harrowing and council estatey.

Skins proclaims “I am metal”

It’s that time of the week again when I do a slightly late discussion of Skins, but not so late that it’s no longer relevant, you best lap it up again kids (and grown men who are clinging onto youth.)

This week we met Rich and in doing so got the most metal episode of any show ever broadcast apart from when Cradle of Filth turned up in Coronation Street. We all knew then that metal and TV weren’t meant to mix. Skins has reaffirmed my faith in this fact by actually using the lines; “I am metal” and “This is who I am.” How not to write dialogue <—- just NO.

We did however get some interesting music and frankly it was quite daring of a prime time show to rely on Napalm Death and Slayer so much. Metal Heads the world over are rejoicing in acceptance, or more likely cursing that their favourite bands are sell outs. Fuck society they don’t understand you anyway. A rather unprecedented turn of events somehow led to Huey of The Fun Loving Criminals fame playing the record store owner, he was good on Buzzcocks and he was good here too. Shame about the music.

Skins has the idiotic ability to forget everything that has gone on in previous episodes between characters and just focus on the one they are showcasing to the world this week and while we did primarily see Rich they avoided this trap by inserting Grace as buffer between ‘alt-college’ and ‘Top Shop-college.’ Insert long winded and obvious boy likes girl, girl likes boy, but girls friends think boy is weird plot here and you have the synopsis of the episode and series.

It is lovely of this carnal teen carnage to finally show real alternative culture instead of just popular alternative culture for a change. Instead of a rave or out of control house party we see a gig and crowd-surfing. Sadly they make it all a bit cliché by playing Rage Against the fucking Machine and table dancing. The counter culture desperately needs a new anthem because if I hear that one more time in any sort of ‘official’ capacity I will be offering up my ears to Mike Tyson.

Rich is a great introduction to the show though and different to any character it has ever had before. If anything he is an amalgamation of a few males from across the series’: Sid and JJ come to mind the most. I just hope he doesn’t go through some sort of transformation now he’s had a near deaf, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get that in, experience.

Next week it’s that bitch who’s called Mini or something and I’m excited to see her vomit on her boyfriend, expectations are pretty dire if I don’t say so myself. As long as they play Rihanna it’ll be okay.

Skins version three

How better to welcome Metajunkies into the new year, better late than never, than with a review of Skins 3.0

Yes I’m old now, but I was in my prime when Skins started and thought like everybody else that a cutting edge Channel 4 show was the best way to while away the hours instead of having ‘mash-ups’ like the oh so relatable characters were and now I just cant bear to let go of it. Here we are at series 5 and cast three and about 2 seconds in I hear myself say: “not even the opening titles are as good” about an hour later I had a favourite character picked out. Rich if you must know.

The first series was cutting edge and unique; it was the first show in recent years that British teens could identify with and it took the nation by storm creating a cultural event now known only as ‘the skins party.’ The best thing about Skins was that kids created everything and you could get involved: suggesting music, new characters, designing outfits, or even auditioning for new roles (Skins sticks solely to its roots casting only 16-18 year olds.) Tony played brilliantly by Nicolas Holt was the evil ‘king bee’, but also suave and sophisticated, as much as college kid from Bristol could be, and it showed them in college which was excellent. The other characters fit nicely into all social stereotypes albeit with some hyperbole. It is still television after all. 

Maybe it’s because I grew up or maybe it did really change but now it all seems a bit too false and bourgeoisie. These are 16 year old students that have infinite supplies of money to buy coke and hang out in bars, not pubs, all while wearing the latest designer clothes. The first plot of series one was that Sid owed a local dealer some money for weed. Simplicity was key here.

This first episode introduced us to Franky, Dakota Blue Richards, an androgynous girl who has just moved to Bristol with her dads. Within about ten seconds we have our first popular culture reference with a well disguised poster of Vertigo. How chic. She does wear rope headphones though, another Hitchcock reference perhaps? and that makes her infinitely cool. A great character and so far the least annoying and most human, but it was her episode so that’s how you’re meant to feel. Everyone else at that college seems like an absolute dick. The faculty, still played by the cream of the British comedy crop, are always a treat providing us with some awkward laughs.

MTV editing didn’t appear to be much of a problem here, thank fuck, we’ve had enough of that now and we want our eyes back. Despite what anyone may think this is not a music video. As much as they try to make it one. You just wait for the montages that will come towards the end of the series, it’ll leave you cowering in a corner wishing you were there. Never watch Skins without a strong drink. Music though is a big part of the show and they pride themselves on making you feel shit for not recognising the previously unreleased demo that came out yesterday by a band that doesn’t even exist any more. Alternatively they just play The Vaccines because they’re on the cover of NME at the minute. Oh wait that was last week! HA! Skins is rubbish now. If, like me, though you do actually care what music they use then you can now get Spotify playlists; it’s a sorry world we live in.

Oh yeah they referenced La Roux and had their own version of Facebook which is used to verbally rape people; standards are slipping at Channel 4 these days.

Queue heart wrenching monologue about how ‘She just wants to be herself’ and the show is over for another long week. Next week we get Rich’s story, expect metal, leather, rejection, more moaning, more drugs, and more parties. You yourself should be doing all of the above otherwise you’re clearly not a teenager, because that’s what they do. In that case you should watch the first gen gang and get some life long advice, or even watch the second gen and watch it all slowly fall apart until you end up back here cleaning sick and piss from your 500 quid jeans.

A zombie drama with brains

Zombies! Everywhere! Shambling, fly-ridden corpses ravenous for the rich taste of human flesh. Fuck yes. Like anybody with even a passing interest in the end of the world as we know it, there is a certain place in my juicy, still-beating heart for the zombie-genre. I’m not sure if it’s the zombies themselves, who admittedly make a pretty rubbish monster, or rather the overall idea of the human race being rendered impotent by a global breakout of hideous, brain-yearning cadavers from beyond the grave. I presume it’s something to do with my utter hatred for my fellow man. As such I have been looking forward to the release of AMC’s The Walking Dead and thankfully, as of the third episode, I have yet to be disappointed. We may as well get it out of the way; I have read the comic it is based on, quelle surprise. Much like its characters (living or otherwise), the comic is imperfect. Robert Kirkman tends to write dialogue which is either clumsily melodramatic or simply bland, whilst Charlie Adlard’s art often looks unfinished. Still. It is a good comic, and compulsively readable. Its central tagline, ‘a continuing tale of survival horror’, also neatly explains why it is best suited for television, the big screen being absolutely bloated with zombie/post-apocalyptic scenarios. In fact television makes perfect sense for a post-apocalyptic story. Whilst the Apocalypse denotes an ending, indeed a full-stop, the idea behind The Walking Dead is that human kind endures even after the fall of society. The story is open-ended, the future as uncertain as ever.

We are introduced in the first scene to Rick Grimes, supercop. A man of compassion, honour and solicitude, like Atticus Finch armed with a 12-bore shotgun. Rick is played by Andrew Lincoln, best known to a certain generation of Brits as Egg from This Life and to everyone else as the soppy one from Love, Actually who attempts to win over the love of his life by recreating the promotional video to Dylan’s Subterranean Homesick Blues. Oh wait he was also one of the many douche bags in Human Traffic, I forgot about that. Christ, that was an annoying film, best not to dwell though, eurgh. Anyway, zombies, I mean Andrew Lincoln. Yes, Lincoln’s involvement came as a surprise to both Sharpie and I considering the numerous trials and vicissitudes he will come to face, but Lincoln has so far proven our doubts unfounded, bringing a warmth and air of taciturn humanity to this most crucial of roles. That Lincoln bears the fortunes of the entire series on his shoulders does not seem to have affected his performance, he is great. So, The Walking Dead begins with a bang, literally, as Grimes is forced to gun down a zombified little girl, but the series is anything but loud or brash. We then cut back to an incident where Grimes receives a bad case of The Bullets, and ends up comatose in a deserted hospital. This may remind some of the excellent opening to 28 Days Later, which itself was heavily influenced by John Wyndham’s The Day of the Triffids (one of the best zombie stories ever, considering that the zombies curiously resemble giant asparagus), this is one oft-used plot device I don’t mind, giving us the opportunity to jump right into the action as opposed to the mechanical and systematic downfall of society we would be forced to watch otherwise. Zombie stories rarely bother with the whys and wherefores of the actual outbreak, and when they do the origins are usually tedious and mundane, be they caused by a virus terrestrial or terran, nuclear disaster or simply lack of space in Hell. I like to stick with the explanation in Peter Jackson’s Brain Dead, wherein the outbreak is caused by the bite of a Sumatran Rat-Monkey.

Anyway, Grimes, feeling understandably out of sorts, soon joins up with a man and his son, who are able to describe the situation in a convenient info dump. The production is exemplary for a television series, giving a very convincing depiction of the End Times. Some of the shots are simply awe-inspiring, particularly the sight of Grimes on horseback riding down a silent, empty highway. Silence itself plays a huge part. Director Frank Darabont wisely eschews the normal conventions of zombie violence for an eerier, claustrophobically tense atmosphere. The first few scenes of Grime’s dazed escape from the hospital are shot with an effectively subdued sensibility of sound and aesthetic design which many similar films (and most big-budget American drama series) completely lack. This is not to say that the series is bereft of shocks or gore, for there is plenty. The makeup and special effects are also first class, with each zombie having its own personality and inner (former) life. The sets are momentous and the entire package is pungent with quality. I have mainly talked about the first episode ‘Days Gone By’ because I am never sure how much you may have seen/heard about the series, whether you have read the comic or even know it exists. Incidentally as I am talking to a hypothetical reader who may or may not exist does it even matter? I could spend my time thinking of new racist epithets or making a list of every public figure I think is a cunt and I doubt the world will care. The next two episodes introduce characters not seen in the comic, which is not necessarily a bad thing, just weird considering how many characters the comic needs you to keep track of. The pace of these episodes is glacial, and I’m afraid if it keeps up at this rate I can’t see the plot getting anywhere near where it is in the comics series until at least season 43. Of course we should see the comics and the television series as separate entities, for I am convinced that no fan is ever happy with whatever new rendition of their beloved source material they have seen/read/smelled. If, for instance, the plot delineates in any way then fanboys are wont to decry it as heresy and create the geek’s version of a papal bull calling for the immediate delivery of the culprit’s head and still-beating heart. If, on the other hand, the adaptation sticks to its source with all the slavish devotion of well, a fanboy, then critics will deride it for not bringing anything new to the table. There is no pleasing anybody when it comes to this kind of thing. That said however, the series does appear to be hitting a stand-still, with hardly anything of great note occurring in the third episode. If it was a longer season then this would be fine, but we’re half way through and surely every season should end with some kind of denouement, well maybe not, The Walking Dead having already been picked up for a further season of thirteen episodes and probably more after that. Vague gripes aside though, The Walking Dead is still excellent, and has set a new standard of scope, characterisation and sheer bloody violence that other series will have to meet.

The Z Word

The Walking Dead bites back

It’s safe to say that ever since Comic-Con the world of geeks has been eagerly awaiting AMC’s new prime-time drama and for once in the history of modern television it isn’t about vampires!

Though the apple doesn’t fall too far from the genetically modified tree and we are given the chance to see another of the typical movie monsters on the small screen. Frank Darabont’s adaptation of Robert Kirkman’s long running zombie comic The Walking Dead has finally arrived.

What a man to bring it to us! Darabont, who is known as the man behind the adaptation of everything in Stephen King’s expansive back catalogue gives us a stunning take on what the apocalypse holds though I doubt the reality would look this good.

I was slightly apprehensive at first about the casting of Andrew Lincoln as main man Rick Grimes, who is known for his turn in 20-something British sitcom This Life, but Scruffy and I quickly came to the consensus that he pulled it out of his oversize sheriffs’ hat. He has the screen presence needed to pull together an ensemble cast, a decent American accent, and a chiselled jaw never hurt anyone.

Coming in at over an hour the first episode kicks off the plot with sheriff Rick Grimes waking up to an empty hospital. It all sounds very 28 Days Later I know, but don’t worry there are no sprinting zombies in sight. Instead the zombies we do get are bloodied, dismembered, ice white, and of course sticking with the golden rule of zombies they are never referred to by the ‘z word’ but as ‘walkers’. Basically what this all means is they are fucking scary and very very cool. The clever thing about The Walking Dead is that you don’t actually see an abundance of zombies’ walkers, but the ones we do see, ironically, have personality. The first of the affected is a little girl, dragging a teddy, and missing half a jaw. Then she growls at us. Zombies growl now. Its touches like bones still in the sockets and minus all the flesh that will leave fans groaning for more (I couldn’t help myself) and make the show a must-see week after week. Sadly after the glacial pace of three episodes that’s only for another three weeks and at this rate the walkers will be eating themselves. Don’t get me wrong I love the show, but it takes its damn time to accomplish anything and if the characters are going to find secret things that only us comic readers are aware of then they will need to MOVE at some point in time.

The characters are another thing entirely. If you’ve read the comic then you will be aware of the fact that it’s heavily based on characters rather than plot. They don’t even say that much, though I’m not as scathing of the dialogue as Scruffy it’s not exactly mind boggling, but they have a lot of back-story which is important. The T.V show has decided to go and add extra people to an already bustling assortment of jack-asses. They need a bloody tour bus not a campervan. Having said this I do like the characters that are present and the cast are suited to the roles they play particularly Glenn and Shane, who has the slimy ‘I’ll do what I want’ attitude down to a tee. The show needs to keep going because the best characters will come into next season or probably when we are under threat of our own zombiepocalypse.

The Walking Dead is going to be massive and rightly so. The directing is artful and the photography spectacular. If you only watch two minutes of the show, which you won’t be able to do, then watch the two minutes where Rick rides a horse down the empty freeway into Atlanta. It’s haunting.

The imagery of the show is cunningly crafted to look like it has the budget of a film, or an HBO show and many will probably be shocked to find that it’s not by them. With The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad under their belts AMC are getting a roster to rival them.