Tag Archives: postaweek2011

You will be unprepared

Zack Snyder, fan-boy without a budget, shows us what his (wet) dreams look like. What ensues is the slaughter of Nazi-zombies by scantily clad ‘chicks’ on a road-trip through a mental asylum/dance-club/apocalyptic game wasteland.

You might think that sounds great and you would be quite right, but as somebody famous no doubt said, theory is different to practice.

Snyder has made quite a name for himself in refashioning everyone’s favourite cultural products of yesteryear; Watchmen, 300, Dawn of the Dead, and his visual style has never been short of stunning. With this, his first original offering, he lets his imagination run away with himself like a feral child. It looks sharp, snazzy, and satisfyingly cool, but then it always would have, what Snyder lacks is depth. Dialogue here is scarce, as are characters that anyone would give two hoots about, and not to mention the distinct lack of anything resembling a plot, but then it does have smoking-hot empowered female leads right? For reasons not quite clear yet everyone expected this to be the case and thus critics the world over have cyber-bitched about the inherent misogyny of a sexualized female cast. I’m not sure if anyone saw 300, but it’s full of men wearing skimpy clothing and nobody cared about that, this really isn’t that bad. Snyder has bastardised himself a bit here by showing too little and leaving the audiences mind to create whatever bizarre sexual fantasy they want. If we had seen Babydoll do a nice little dance a-la Britney nobody would be complaining, instead we’re left to our own sick desensitized imaginations. Sadly it’s a bit ambitious to think the director was trying to confront societies menace.

While the women of the film are busy moaning, groaning, and grunting (mostly in slow motion), the men are getting some half-decent roles. With a quick appearance by John Hamm, Don Draper to you and me, the only interesting and developed character in this graphical showcase is Oscar Isaac as Blue Jones. In each layer of the film, let the Inception comparisons begin, he plays a sadistic ‘manager’ in a constantly emasculating power-struggle with ‘his girls’, a great new talent from the Eli Roth school of evil, Isaac could easily adapt to the scenery of a Tarantino type film. These layers which the film relies so heavily on are presented simply as performances, the film starts with a red curtain, each ‘act’ of the play starts with a mission and a dance, when the music stops so does the un-reality, it’s an interesting technique and the asylum as a club worked beautifully, but go a bit a deeper and the emptiness takes hold. Utterly un-cohesive is the only way to describe the events that take place within this multi-faceted world.

Snyder’s aim here seems to be nothing more than creating a two-hour show reel of music videos. He’s good at that and he used music beautifully in Watchmen, here he drowned in the dreaded remix-album. Any fight scene that includes an industrial remix of a Bjork song is designed only for a game and all scenes in this Nazi/dragon/robot infested world looked and sounded like cut-scenes. If they don’t develop a videogame from this then somebody somewhere should be sacked.

Zack Snyder isn’t a bad film maker; possibly, he’s just not a very good creator. Oozing through Sucker Punch’s every pore is Snyder’s influences from anime, TV, games, films, music, and anything else he may have encountered in his life. As a film maker fully stocked up on Ritalin he tries to show us everything and in doing so shows us little of anything. Just calm down Zack and go back to remaking and remodelling.

The wedding one

I miss Skins already, don’t you? When it ended I felt my life deflate a little bit.

For now though we can still live in bliss as I discuss what exactly just happened on my poor laptop screen. I feel like I should apologise for clearly missing crucial pieces of information from last weeks mental breakdown, I for one was very shocked to learn that Rich had proposed, because on the Channel Four I was watching this never occured, which is quite terrible since the entire finale revolved around this. At least I have an excuse to watch it again now.

As much as this episode massaged my brain into a sweet sweet coma it pissed me off in equal measure. Liv suddenly didn’t give a shit about her relationship based on booze with Matty and decided that Franky could come along for the ride when clearly, as she later realised in a moment of enlightenment, he wanted to shag her in the woods–hasn’t happened enough this series. Also we shouldn’t be starting to like Mini now because she is slowly turning into a ‘caring lesbian’ she is probably still a bitch deep down inside and she should be crying herself to sleep. The writers really need to bang some more stereotypes in, their target audience will be getting confused. One last thing which thouroughly annoyed me was Nick’s existence. He is now un-neccessary to the plot and should be disposed of like the beer cans he is never without. Rugby was never that good mate, go home and cry to daddy.

Otherwise it was rather enjoyable and an interesting finale of action packed proportions. So the couple whose wedding it was suppossed to be weren’t really the centre of attention, too much stuff was happening on the way to the wedding, in the woods. Okay so the only bit that gripped me was the bit in the woods. Skins is always better when it’s in the woods, as we have witnessed over the course of five series it’s a tried and tested method for carnage and success. This time round we got some latent homosexual feelings arising, which they didn’t explore enough and I look forward to it coming up in the next series, we got poor Franky telling us just why she is adopted, also an excellent tale, and we got her then tumbling of the edge of a little cliff after NOT having sex in the woods. You can’t please everyone I suppose.

After all that was over and business had been taken care of, nobodies head would be fucked with any longer, they set-up the next series brilliantly with a reintroduction of the aformentioned head fuckery and some lovely back and forth shots of texting. Those clever souls over at E4 have realised the future is upon us and are taking full advantage of it. Next series should be filmed entirely via facebook with the occasional Skype conversation for a bit of excitement. The first social media show, I can see the critics swarming already.

Usually I would now talk about the music, but lets face it, it was good and average that’s about it. Though I have just discovered Segal who is rather excellent so I will say a begrudging thanks to Kyle and be done with it. Thanks (dick).

That’s it folks, my banter has drawn to a close and I’ll have to find something else to weekly disturb and excite myself with, but I did just read the news that Skins has a film coming out this summer which will focus on the second generation, but feature the first and third accordingly. I’m absolutely terrified of that.



It’s high art obviously

This week Skins decides that the popular literary figure Shakespeare, you might have heard of him, is cool. Grace decides that sustaining a voice doesn’t matter, and everyone gets out their ‘coke eyes’. Sounds good I know.

I appear to have missed all important plot points this week, if indeed any occurred, and only saw Frankie kiss everyone on command while saying that she isn’t bi-sexual she “just likes people”, great writing coming to you from E4 since 2005.

Despite all this it was however Grace’s episode, though it did appear to be more like a Mr.Blood (Chris Addison) greatest hits compilation as he pranced about the scenery spouting nonsensical shit in a pan-British accent. The accents played a large part of this weeks shows mainly because, never having been to Bristol, none of them sounded remotely Bristolian in nature. Of course I recognise that they are professionaly trained thespians from the ‘big-city’, but I mean come on, if you can’t make it Skins then you have no chance, which is why nobody knows what any of the previous cast members are doing. Nicholas Hoult being the exception, but then he worked with Hugh Grant so nothing else really matters does it.


For those unawares the pea song is a cultural movement unbeknown to anyone in the modern world that isn’t a complete and utter shit-tard of a human being. If this doesn’t signal a last attempt at greatness before ‘the fall’ then I don’t know what does. Empires have been ruined by less. Just ask Julias.

I’m still recovering from that memory for a while so let’s discuss the aforementioned ‘coke eyes’. Picture the scene: four quiet girls in a bedroom full of floaty stuff with nothing to do, they get out their limitless supply of cocaine, kiss daddy goodbye, and run off to the club that doesn’t ask for any form of identification from said underage children. It’s a great world I know. Once at this club where all their friends also happen to be, it’s obviously not a school night, they decide to ‘get off with’ some fat bloke and his mate, Matty takes unkindly to the unwanted attention Franky is recieving and asks him politely to leave by scaring the living shit out of millions of people with what is the complete opposite of Bette Davis Eyes. That boy can act. Maybe. No, no he can’t. We can all begin to walk the long road to recovery know because he clearly had an overdose of something. Sorry about that long-winded rant, but someone had to say it and I am speaker of the truth. Anyway I’m sure next week all this trouble will end, or be exacerbated-who knows, when him and Franky just have sex already, Liv won’t mind she’ll just have another five bottles of Vodka.

Since I don’t know what I’m saying anymore I’ll just stop saying things, other than that the music this week was unusually good and I would like to say well done Kyle. We had a bit of Jessie J, The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart, James Blake, The National, and Magnetic Man amongst others. God it’s a great time to be alive.

Skins goes rural

I know I missed my weekly post for Nick’s episode, but all I have to say on that is: I’m glad that the writers have recognised the blatant homosexual nature of rugby and proceeded to create a character and indeed an hour long show around that. We all feel better about ourselves now don’t we?

This week however it’s the turn of much more interesting character and ‘farm boy’ Alo. Apparently Bristol has whopping big farms in the middle of it now, it’s news to me, but I never was very good with geography. After a slightly bizarre series of wanking events, set to the only song ever to feature the sound of someone choking on cum, the story gets started.

I found myself wondering just how ‘special’ Alo was during in this episode and praying to god that he didn’t get together with Mini who is still in mourning over Nick, the bastard, who is still in mourning over Liv. It does seem like the last two episodes of this series could just dissolve into a primal rave/orgy while Franky takes the role of voyeur/pervert androgynous bi-sexual? teen. We’ll have to wait and see on that front I suppose.

Alo is an intriguing character though and he has what one could describe as a ‘banging’ dress sense, though he did appear to be naked for most of the 45 minutes of screen time. The music I found quite a strange mix for his character, the opening song by Furr was excellent and really quite captivating, but then it descended into a mass of dub-step and electronica which I found unbecoming for such an ‘alternative’ guy, clearly the young hip douche-bag who decides on the music, I believe his name is Kyle, knows something I don’t.

Skins is slowly getting into a pattern of letting us see the family more and while it may not be what the audience is used to it’s much better drama. The conflict between Alo and his parents was great TV and I almost cried a few times. I know, I do apologise, I’m young and don’t know any better.

Next week: Grace’y’ goes a bit thespian on us probably going crazy in the process, but hey at least Skins is delivering high-culture to the masses now-a-days.

Oscar time

It’s that time of year once again where the little Golden man rears his head and I thought I’d do a very rushed prediction of what I think will be the winners in the big categories tonight. I’m an idealist so we can just strike out The Kings Speech from being in this list right now.


Best Picture: The Social Network

Actor in a leading role: Colin Firth

Actor in a supporting role: Geoffrey Rush

Actress in a leading role: Natalie Portman

Actress in a supporting role: Hailee Steinfeld

Animated Feature: Toy Story 3

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Foreign Language Film: Buitiful

Original Music: 127 Hours

Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network (Aaron Sorkin)

Original Screenplay: The King’s Speech

Sorry for missing out the technical awards I’m in a rush here to watch Outcasts, but I think it’s going to be a bit of a mixed bag this year. Anyway the wait is almost over and we are all excited to see what  one armed puns Franco delivers so get to it.


Now that’s what I call a Skins episode

Volume 5.

Sex, booze, drugs, teenage trauma, what more can a girl ask for from a Thursday night show?

Liv’s episode is by far the best yet, with some class-a music to match the drugs, and a strange appearance from the man we all know and hate from the Orange adverts of yesteryear.

Fashion wise I think it may have been a bit of a disaster, I’m not sure what ‘look’ Liv is trying to accomplish but it’s all a bit top-shop circa 2007 and frankly it falls short of the cultural definition we have come to expect from this ever so popular TV programme. Yes its not real. I know, I’m upset too.

This episode though was good for real reasons too, these being that we got to see how Liv’s life is affected by her family; rather than the writers just acknowledging that other people do exist in Bristol we actually get to see them interact and shape what others do. Liv’s sister in this respect was a lovely element to the show and she is a sci-fi geek too. Yay.

Alas! Hot mystery man is revealed to be, WARNING PLOT POINT COMING UP, Nicks brother Matty, in what is an interesting turn of events. Apparently he’s a mental too so buckle your seatbelts for that one folks and I’d get ready for some smouldering glances between him and Franky before they actually get it on, in the words of Marvin Gaye. That’s what this season needs, a bit more intercourse between the group. Remember when Effy and Co went camping well these guys need that episode and then they can learn to hate each other and get over it the way true friends should; having angry sex while wasted in a place where everyone else can hear. Skins teaching valuable lessons to kids since 2006.

I realise this is all a bit slap-dash, but to be fair I’m writing about Skins and apparently your reading it so its not like you care about intellect too much is it? If you ever wondered what it was like to see somebody down about 4 bottles of Vodka in 45 minutes then all your dreams have come true tonight as Liv proceeds to show us how to ruin your vital organs in style. Also Sherry? Are these people in 6th form or a bingo hall, not even my gran drinks Sherry.

Other things we learnt this episode: Mini is STILL a bitch. I reckon that’s not changing any time soon.